You only have yourselves to blame

In a rare departure from ranting directly at Third Rate Western, I feel it's time to address one of the main causes of the irritating, avoidable, smaller delays to services. The kind of 3 or 4 minute delay at each calling point, that ends up being 20 minutes by the end of the journey. The kind of delay that is caused by stupid passengers who can't be arsed to close the door behind them.

You see it at every station, pretty much every time a train calls. Everyone gets on, and then the platform staff have to walk up the entire length of the train shutting all the doors. Of course, the situation is even worse on stations that aren't manned (aside of the fact that arguably the HSTs shouldn't be stopping there at all) when the train manager has to do every door. And inevitably by the time he's finished, some late arrival at the station has left another one open and so the tedious cycle begins again.

When I was a lad (before I was sent down t' pit and had to eat gravel etc.) I'd get the train to and from school, on the London to Brighton line with old fashioned slam-door trains. There were no platform staff. The guard didn't have to shut the doors. The commuters did it themselves. Why? Perhaps because they knew that no-one was going to do it for them, and if they didn't shut them then they wouldn't be on their way to work any time soon.

So perhaps a social experiment is called for. Maybe if the platform staff stop shutting doors, and train managers simply announce "we are not leaving because someone hasn't bothered to close the door behind them" people will start taking 3 seconds out of their lives to speed up the journey for everyone else.

Give up your seats

I've been roundly chastised recently for the tone of my rants implying that I am aiming my wrath directly at the Third Rate Western frontline staff, when of course I'm aware that the vast majority of problems are caused by poor management decisions of epic proportions.

However, what is not acceptable is for a train to be at standing-room-only point, with all vestibules full of people, and for 4 Third Rate Western staff to be happily occupying 4 seats and having a nice chat and a coffee on their way, one presumes, to a training course in Bristol. There doesn't need to be a management edict to ensure that staff give up their seats when customers are standing (although I believe there is already a rule governing this) - it's simple good manners and all staff should understand that the customer comes first.

I think it's akin to having a client in the office and only one teabag left. You might really want a brew, but the paying customer has to take priority, surely?

To ensure a punctual departure...

Always a pleasure to hear the dulcit tones of the automated bad-news-giver telling you "in order to ensure a punctual departure, doors are locked shut 30 seconds beforehand" when you're standing in the cold waiting for a train that's 30 minutes late.

Live departure boards my arse

The 18:30 from Temple Meads to Paddington comes from Weston-super-Mare. If it's on time, it leaves there at about 18:05. My office is 5 minutes from Temple Meads so if I'm getting the 18:30, I'll tend to leave at about 18:20 so that I can take a leisurely stroll to the station and perhaps pick up a copy of Amatuer Ranter from Smith's. Before I leave, I check the "live departure boards" which as you probably know are available from the National Rail website, and in fetching pink livery direct from Third Rate Western's site (which presumably runs slowly on a repainted ZX81 server).

At 18:15, if the train hasn't left Weston yet, there isn't a hope in hell of it getting to Temple Meads by 18:30. So why the hell does the live departure board say "On time"? Surely it's not beyond the wit of man to program it to know that if a train hasn't left it's starting point 10-15 minutes after it was meant to, it ain't going to be "on time" at the next station, even taking into account Third Rate Western's hugely padded timetables.

In fact, the 18:30 ended up pulling into Temple Meads a clear 28 minutes late due to the fun and games at Southall earlier. It didn't leave Weston until 18:40. At which time, the lovely live departure boards were still optimistically predicting that we would be on our way out of Bristol at 18:49. Unlikely, but perhaps it's nice to think the glass is half full when in fact it's got half an inch of warm lager and three fag ends in it.

Fatality at Southall

Probably best to drop my normal sarcastic tone for this one, as no-one likes a fatality (Southall does seem to attract more than its fair share curiously), but this is something that really puzzles me. Take a look at this photo - it's an aerial view of Southall station taken from Google Maps:



That looks to me like 6 tracks. Either side of the station there are 4 tracks. As I understand it, 2 fast lines and 2 slow lines, all the way from Reading to Paddington. Even as far as Swindon, maybe, but I might be wrong about that one. Anyway, I digress.

Why is it that a fatality at Southall causes all of these lines to be closed? Surely some trains can be let through? OK they have to go through slowly, as there's bound to be a lot of Police, Notwork Rail staff and so forth on the track, but is it really necessary to shut them all down totally for several hours, causing chaos for the whole afternoon and into the evening?

An occasion where even I can't blame Third Rate Western for the bedlam.

That stopping train again

It's always a good sign at Temple Meads when a Paddington train that has started at Weston, or further afield, pulls into Bristol at xx:22 when it's due out at xx:30 - even the daft sods who don't realise they can use ALL the doors on the train to get on can't take a full 8 minutes to get on board, faff around with their bags a bit, block the aisles, look for a seat, take their coat off, sit down, stand up and sit down again. So we're on track to leave on time.

Everything's going to plan today, everyone is on board, we pull out on time. Hurrah! But then we stop, just outside Temple Meads. Maybe this unscheduled stop is sponsored by Vauxhall; I've got a great view of several Vectras and a shiny Corsa. Anyway, I don't want a Vauxhall. Here's the train manager with an announcement.

We're behind a stopping train, which has pulled out of Temple Meads at 17:29, just one short minute ahead of us. It's already running late from Cardiff. So why exactly has it been let out ahead of us? We've now got to follow it and wait for it as it stops on the way to Bath. So by the time we get to Bath, despite having left Bristol on time, we're now 13 minutes late. That's a clear 26 minutes to get from Bristol to Bath.

My friends at www.firstgreatwestern.info/coffeeshop (a very interesting forum if you want some facts about how the trains operate direct from some of the poor chaps who have to work for Third Rate Western and endure the wrath of ranting commuters like me) tell me that it's nothing to do with Third Rate Western, it's the signallers who make the decision.

But surely someone in a nice office at Third Rate Western Towers (it's in Swindon, so don't assume it's hugely glamorous) can talk to someone at "Fat Controller Towers" (that's a reference to Thomas the Tank Engine, by the way, not a vicious attack on the girth of the signallers) and say:

If two of our trains are pulling out of Bristol at the same time, please put the FAST one in front of the SLOW one!

Sore feet

Spending 2 days stood on an exhibition stand devoid of punters is pretty miserable I think you'll agree. Still, not to worry, I'll duck out early and catch the 3.30 home from Paddington. I might even have time to microwave a lasagne for the wife, the old romantic that I am.

But no, Third Rate Western conspire against me once again, so instead I'm jammed in the standing-room-only 4.00. Maybe there'll be an announcement in a minute to tell me the buffet is open. Suspect the 200 people stood in the aisles between me and it might not be too pleased if I try to drag a coffee and a cheeseburger of dubious origin past them.

Never mind, at least I can look forward to the commute in the morning which, despite assurances otherwise, is still an Adelante.

Hey, did you notice I didn't slag off any frontline staff in this post? Woohoo!