The driver's doing what?

So we're waiting for the driver to relieve himself. Or perhaps we're waiting for a relief driver.

Either way, we're late. Again.

Regret no coach D

The 18:00 from Bristol to London. Seems like a good candidate for being really busy, doesn't it? Lots of commuters, lots of extra people from Weston Super Mare.

So if ran a train company and you had a train with one coach missing, you'd use it at a nice quiet time, like the 14:00 from Bristol, or the 11:00 from London, wouldn't you? Unless, of course, you'd been on the Third Rate Western special idiot management training course and qualified with merit.

But all is not lost. Telling us that you "regret" that there's a coach missing makes it all better, doesn't it? No, not really.

More on the little stopping service

Having held the rest of us up every morning, the little stopping service continues from Bristol on to Cardiff. Quite useful for anyone joining the service from London at Swindon or Chippenham who wants to go to Wales. Or at least it would be if the idiots at Third Rate Western didn't regularly send it on its way from Bristol before the train from London has arrived.

Let's just think this through. The train from London is delayed by the stopping service so that it regularly arrives after the stopping train is scheduled to leave Bristol. People on the train from London want to get onto the stopping train to get to Cardiff. Is it really beyond the wit of man to make the stopping train wait for the London train to arrive? Well not beyond the wit of man, but certainly beyond the wit of the managing idiots from Third Rate Western.

Same shit different day

Well, any optimism about arriving at Bristol in a sensible time was short lived once again. Here's how the journey went:

7:46 - Depart Chippenham
7:55 - Stop at Bathampton Junction
8:00 - Depart Bathampton Junction
8:07 - Arrive Bath Spa
8:10 - Depart Bath Spa
8:23 - Arrive Bristol Temple Meads

So another 37 minute journey to Bristol which should, as we all know by now, take about 25 minutes. I suppose at least we didn't make additional stops at Oldfield Park and Keynsham today which would have added at least another 10 minutes to the journey.

One slight variation on the normal routine, though: today the "train manager" (or "guard") announced as we arrived at Bathampton Junction that we were making a "scheduled stop". This differs from the usual announcement in that most of the "train managers" report that they have no idea why we're stopping. So come on Third Rate Western, is this a scheduled stop or not?

A brief thought on the quiet carriage

It's actually really annoying to have to sit in the quiet carriage and listen to a lengthy, noisy announcement telling us to be quiet in the quiet carriage.

The blind leading the blind

No doubt Third Rate Western have spent a lot of money on the braille versions of their highly entertaining safety instructions and have thus been able to tick some sort of discrimination compliance box.

But the announcements on leaving every, and I mean every, station confuse me. The train manager (or "guard" as they used to be known) always say:

The safety information is also available in braille format; please see the train manager for a copy.

See the train manager for a braille copy of the information? But, anyone needing the braille version can't see, surely? So how are they going to find the train manager?

Has anyone ever requested the braille information cards? Actually, has anyone ever read the normal safety information for that matter?

The balance of power

Interesting, isn't it, that every morning at Chippenham station, there is a queue of customers waiting to buy a ticket from the two people on duty at the ticket office, but there's never a queue to get onto the platforms, because there are four "revenue protection management operatives" (or "ticket inspectors") on duty.

Four people checking the tickets that two people are selling.

A curious deployment of resources, don't you think?

Signs of insanity

Commuting with Third Rate Western is never fun, but it seems that some people find it especially hard to cope with. This poor chap has clearly been driven utterly insane by Third Rate Western's poor service, and has begun playing the programmable electronic bagpipes.



Seen on the delayed 18:00 from Bristol Temple Meads to London Paddington - especially packed due to the cancellation of the 17:30 service on a Friday afternoon due to a broken down train. Marvelous. Those newly re-engineered power cars are working out a treat, then.

Sliding doors

Do you know which bits of the old high speed train coaches were most regularly broken? The sliding doors, especially the big one in coach E.

So if you were planning an extensive refurbishment of the coaches, you'd replace them with proper ones that work nicely, like the ones on the Virgin trains, wouldn't you?

Or perhaps you'd spunk the money on some nice new fridges for the buffet so you can store 10 times the amount of shitty bacon rolls and low-grade Bulgarian Chardonnay.

Anyone like to hazard a guess what Third Rate Western have done? You'll remember this next time you walk into a sliding door that hasn't slid...

Why are we stopping?

Somewhere between Bath and Bristol lie the tiny stations of Oldfield Park and Keynsham. But Third Rate Western's high speed trains don't stop there. I mean, the platforms are barely long enough for 5 coaches and the high speed trains have 8 coaches so stopping at short platforms would be risky at best, wouldn't it?

Enter the carefully-bred-in-a-factory-near-Trowbridge grade-A numpties from Third Rate Western. They've won another franchise and Wessex Trains is no more. But wait! Now all those people stuck at Oldfield Park and Keynsham (because the trains that stop there are only big enough to take half the people that want to use them) are Third Rate Western's problem! No longer can they just cruise past in their high speed trains thinking "at least those irate people aren't irate at us". So a Third Rate problem deserves a Third Rate solution, doesn't it? Of course it does.

It's not difficult to imagine the meeting where the morons at Third Rate Western discussed this sticky situation. I'm picturing it now...

Senior idiot: How do we increase capacity at Oldfield Park and Keynsham?

Trainee idiot: Well, we could invest in new rolling stock ensuring that the trains that stop there are bigger than an average sized family hatchback. How about that?

Senior idiot: What? Spend some of the millions of pounds we're taking from these people every year and invest it in providing a better service? You fool! Get out of my sight!

Another idiot: What if we just stop the high speed trains and pick up the extra people?

Senior idiot: Stop the high speed trains? But they are too long for the platforms, that would be dangerous. Not to mention that the people on them who are already stuck behind a pissy stopping service due to our timetabling numpties would be madder than hell. Genius! It's a plan with no drawbacks. Implement it immediately and break open the Champagne. But not the stuff we sell in the buffet, that's cheap shite that only an alcoholic hedge fund manager would drink.

So there we have it. The high speed trains stop at platforms which are dangerously too short for them, to pick up a handful of people, and all because Third Rate Western won't buy some new trains to replace the pissy stopping service rolling stock that they inherited from Wessex Trains.

Makes you proud to be British, doesn't it?

A pictorial guide to grade-A idiocy

If you've read The 7:46 to Bristol then you'll know about the busy, expensive high speed service being deliberately stuck behind the pissy little stopping service on the way to Bristol in the mornings. If not, these pictures won't make any sense. Might be an idea to go read all about the idiocy first.

Anyway, here's how the idiocy looks, cartoon-train-style.

This is the 7:46 from London to Bristol:



Quite big, isn't it? Lots of people on there.

Here's the shitty stopping service:



Quite small, isn't it? And slow. Jam packed with people because, actually, it's too small, but then there's already been a big protest about that so I'm concentrating on the rubbishness of the high speed services for now.

If only, I hear you cry, we could see both these trains next to each other, then we'd really see how utterly idiotic Third Rate Western are.



Hurrah!

Next time, a conundrum for you: Why are we stopping?

The 7:46 to Bristol

First of all (or should that be, Third of all) let's start with some basic facts and figures. It normally takes around 25 minutes to get from Chippenham to Bristol (or vice versa) via Third Rate Western. Bath Spa is between the two, roughly 12 minutes journey time from either starting point.

Between Chippenham and Bath is Bathampton Junction, where the line branches off to Westbury and beyond.

The 7:46 to Bristol used to be the 7:41 to Bristol. Now you're thinking, is this guy just pissy because they moved his train by 5 minutes? Not at all, but of course there's more to it than that.
The old 7:41 to Bristol would get in to Bristol at about 8:10 which is ideal for those of use who want to be at work on time. The 8:15 service is woefully unreliable and even if it's on time, it barely gets me to work for 9:00. And the next earlier train is 6:41 which is nasty. So, 7:41 it is.

Or, in fact, it isn't, not any more. Now it's the 7:46.

Since the demise of Wessex Trains, Third Rate Western have taken over the little stopping services that go from Southampton to Cardiff, via Bath and Bristol. There's one in the morning that gets to Bath at 7:59. Then it stops at Oldfield Park and Keynsham, before arriving in Bristol about 21 minutes later.

So, I hear you say, the 7:46 from Chippenham takes 12 minutes to get to Bath, so it gets to Bath at 7:58 ahead of the stopping service from Westbury and beyond. Sadly not. In an epic masterpiece of timetable idiocy, the 7:46 stops at Bathampton Juntion for 5 minutes to let the (usually delayed) service from Westbury go ahead of it. Then it follows it to Bristol, having to wait for it to stop at Oldfield Park and Keynsham.

So it now takes a full 36 minutes to get from Chippenham to Bristol, instead of the usual 25. Doesn't sound like much but that's actually more than 40% longer than normal. This assumes, of course, that the stopping train is on time, which invariably it isn't. Average journey time on the 7:46 to Bristol is now 45 minutes.

Surely even an idiot wouldn't delay several hundred commuters paying anywhere up to £125 each to let a tiny stopping service out in front of it? Well it looks like Third Rate Western have invented a new, super-idiot to do their timetables.

In the next gripping installment, we'll look at just how many people are being fucked over using some nice pictures.

A little maths lesson

Let's get started with something that really hacks me off about Third Rate Western - the fares. Now I'll grudgingly accept that they are not the only company ripping off commuters, but they do a damn fine job of it.

From Bristol Temple Meads station to London Paddington station, it's about 117 miles by road. Ask Google Maps, it's true!

A Ford Focus 1.6TDCI costs 40p per mile to run, including fuel, wear and tear, maintenance and depreciation. I don't have an economical Ford Focus, of course, but if I used the cost per mile of my car, I might just prove that trains are cheap, which would be a bad thing.

A standard class return train ticket from Bristol Temple Meads to London Paddington at peak time (which is, let's be honest, when most of us need to travel - you know, to do our jobs) costs £125

So, if I go by car on my own, it's going to cost me 117 x 2 x 40p - that's £93.60 compared to £125 on Third Rate Western and frankly the bacon roll that's been in my glovebox for the last 3 months tastes better than the ones on the train so we're looking at a win-win situation here.

But wait, what if I go with 3 colleagues? By train, that's going to cost us a cool £500. In the car, well hang on, it's still going to be £93.60.

These trains, they're a bit of a rip-off really, aren't they?

So, it's come to this

I never thought that a company could annoy me enough to make me start a blog. But that was before I got a new job in the centre of Bristol. At first, I thought the commute by train would be much better than sitting on the M4 in the car, stationary.

Of course, I'd soon find that stationary was exactly what Third Rate Western would leave me a lot of the time.

So, because this blogging lark gives me the ability to rant directly from my mobile whilst stood once again on a freezing platform waiting for a train that might never arrive, I thought I'd share what it's really like to rely on Third Rate Western to get you to where you want to go.

Perhaps my ranting will make you chuckle for a moment. I'd like that.